What a year I have had re-connecting with the Company after almost ten years away. I was pleased to be invited to understudy Henry Montes during the devising stages of IF WE GO ON last summer. Keen to approach working with Charlotte again in a way that would perhaps coexist with and nurture my own research practice during the latter stages of my Choreography MA, at the Northern School of Contemporary Dance in leeds. Through circumstance I was then invited to develop this role, and perform during the autumn and spring tours of ‘if we go on’, as well as ‘broken chords’ in the USA, and Canada. To paraphrase IF WE GO ON by focussing on one thing (3 movement phrases) for what seemed like an everlasting amount of time, I was afforded a luxury infrequently encountered. As a progression of attempts, and performative experiences encountered throughout the tour, the three distinct and idiosyncratic movement phrases originally of Henry’s creation, had become incarnate and found their expression through me. This process was extremely satisfying, and indeed eventually paved the way to a developing parallel process within my own work. So much so that ongoing explorations of authenticity and plagiarism became primary considerations in a completed work that ‘I am not sure is mine’. Having been in process for a year and a half making my own work, it has been quite a relief and a new challenge to step into ‘already existing’ roles and works. However, this is where the similarities end between the two works, and where the meeting of myself with two radically different situations began. Performing BROKEN CHORDS despite the angst caused by the physical rigour of duets, and trios reeled off at break-neck speed and the highs and lows of dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions of my own making, as well as of others made for an interesting ride. I have to say that despite all the initial difficulty and concerns around stepping into someone else’s role, meeting the expectations (or not), I could have confidence in my/our ability to come together, and perform a work that is self assured and stands up to the test of time rather brilliantly. Giving birth can often be a painful process, there are no guarrantee’s as far as outcome and with (failing) elbow/shoulder strength needed, concerns around further injury were always present. However I have to say it was well worth persevering in the end. The experience of growing into BROKEN CHORDS whilst on tour in the U.S/Canada, however short lived (five shows) was thoroughly rewarding, scary, interspersed with moments of melancholy, madness and confusion. Nothing new there then, guffaw guffaw! In an empowering way the residing characteristic for myself was the joy experienced in performing again, meeting the conditions the work asked of me, and finding my own often emotive journey into the work. From an interior perspective, even though BROKEN CHORDS proved to be such a stark contrast to IF WE GO ON in both it’s physicality, and the inclusion experienced as opposed to the isolation determined by my role within IF WE GO ON, the two pieces share similarities and heritage’s not only of performer/creator/director, but also exist within similar terrains and aesthetic values like both pieces use of duration/disruption. In a way IF WE GO ON exists as an outcome of BROKEN CHORDS, not by attempting to redress, and find some kind of ‘new order’ but by attempting to redefine one's relationship with uncertainty and not knowing. Being on tour turned out to be a success, and one never knows what is going to happen, you may even fall in love, as I did. It’s a long way to Ottawa but a journey I am willing to take, facing my fears and allowing participation, despite how unrealistic it may seem. Similarly with my return to dance, performing and working with VDT, what a ride!
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