Sunday Again

And the weeks fly by and I am not sure where any of this is going.

Neurosis sets in and this time it is crippling.

The days have felt heavy with circular thought this week.

I never seem to have enough time to think straight.

Yes, that gets harder as you get older.

I feel troubled that I am not working in a way that is honest to me as an artist or as a woman.

I feel paper thin. Over-exposed.

What are the things that have always defined my work? What is my 'signature'? Why this need to work so counter-intuitively now? Am I setting myself up to fail or am I paving the way to a different creative future? What am I trying to prove - that I can be as conceptually interesting as Jerome Bell, as smart and clean as Jonathan Burrows? Who do I think I am? My tendency leans towards the over-earnest, but with editing, distillation and a strong sense of self- depricating humour, I usually pull it off. I still want to affect people and the only thing that is 'affecting' me so far is Aurora's solo (built around her swelling belly and my medical imaginings) and Scott's forgetfulness - explored through a breakdown of language and a fragmented solo dance.

Keeping everything at arms length just doesn't work for me. Its too cool, too masculine perhaps? Wearing my heart on your sleeve is all I know how to do. I am a woman after all. My currency is emotion. My material and content is my emotional life. Some people think emotion is old fashioned, but is this a tyranny against what is female?

DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

If If We Go On is 'about' anything it is about exhaustion, about making sense of the choices we make in life. Circular, age-old dilemmas about working women, about trying to match a working life with a home life. About remaining childless?About having it all and failing to have it all. About having a home that isn't somewhere you just pass through in between hotel rooms.

I AM BORED OF MY OWN PROTOCOLS.

I AM SICK OF WANTING TO BE FIRST AND BEST AND HEARD ABOVE THE REST

I WANT TO BE QUIET NOW, TO ADJUST TO THE REGRET I FEEL ABOUT NOT TAKING THE TIME TO PRIORITISE OTHER THINGS

I CANNOT HAVE IT ALL

I NEED TO SATISFY SOMETHING IN ME OTHER THAN A CREATIVE DRIVE

MID LIFE CRISIS CASUALTY-

WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER?

I AM MELTING IN FRONT OF YOU

THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS - it is not good for my health

THE LAST CURTAIN CALL

THIS IS NO FICTION - THIS IS REAL, REALLY REAL

THIS IS MY (SELF OBSESSED) SWAN SONG

AND, LIKE THE CIRCUS PEOPLE, WE CARRY ON.

COME ON, DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.