If We Go On

Carly's Thoughts after New York

2010-09-16T22:39:00.007+01:00

Our trip to New York has come and gone, as has the rest of spring and now from mid summer it’s great to be able to look back and reflect on the work we toured for all that time; the venues, the audiences, the education groups that contributed so much to our experience of If We Go On. The performances at Montclair State University gave us an opportunity to view both If We Go On and Broken Chords side by side; a privilege for me as I was only performing in one of the shows but exhausting, I’m sure, for those directing, performing, tech-ing for both. I love the stark, sometimes seemingly barren, aesthetics of both shows coupled with the inside knowledge of how intricately detailed and controlled every aspect of every moment is. It was great to see/experience the questioning of the audience-performer contract develop from Broken Chords to If We Go On, to compare the different manifestations of creating and breaking fiction and a treat to be able to watch co company members do their thing from the comfort of a red velvet seat. All in all New York was fantastic........ Scott and I worked with some great students, I don’t think any of the show was lost in translation, I got a run around central park (note to self....run anti-clockwise next time), a trip to a very friendly physio and a few days of manic site seeing once the shows were done....... with the hope that the Icelandic ash cloud would mean I just had to stay for longer!!

Luisa, after America

2010-06-08T22:14:00.006+01:00

Working with VDT proved to be an experience not to be forgotten professionally and humanely.

The excitement to be reprising a very substantial role in the piece Broken Chords surpassed the nerves of thinking I was going back to a full length piece (after a few years of easier performing). I was so hungry to go back into a studio and work solidly. The role could not have been more complete and rewarding, two duets with lots of partnering, solo work and a long monologue…I was walking on air and thinking this is a major part and the more I watched the video the more I venerated the woman who created the role.

From my first meeting with Charlotte and the company I had generally a very positive feeling of the people I was going to start work with. It got even better as the days went on - from rehearsing in Sheffield (a city that felt familiar as soon as I was there, maybe it’s the 7 hills that it shares with Rome! I loved its mixture of old and new and appreciated the calmer pace of life compared to London) up to the tour, which was like being on a school trip with the advantage of adulthood.

The company’s organisational team were very efficient, answering queries and providing us with information ahead of time, and making us feel welcome form the very beginning. A big thanks.

Working on Broken Chords was intense and full on while learning the material simply because it was a lot in quantity, and there is often an uncomfortable passage during a process of learning other people’s steps from a video. You think you get the steps but actually you get a skeleton and then you have to fill that with meat and find a kinesthetic sense of the movement. I was however lucky to be given many tips by Charlotte who had previously danced the role.
The partnering was where I could let go the most in the show and the trust between myself and Janusz felt so rooted that the challenge of making a connection work became quite soon in the tour a fearless fulfillment.

Text in Broken Chords was an opportunity to search and find more to bring out of myself. A difference between the original cast member and myself manifested itself the most here for me. This character could ramble on (and make sense) and I had to rely on the lines to do so as I’m naturally a calmer and quieter being. On the fifth (alas the last) performance I felt the text more mine, the realisation of holding the audiences’ attention and actually living those minutes of addressing them is something I hope to experience more of. In fact, unlike some members of the company who have performed this piece for a number of years, I feel I just had a taste of it.

I found American and Canadian audiences generally enthusiastic.
A standing ovation in Canada was a pleasant response, but so was a comment of frustrated audience member watching IWGO. I too was watching the show in the audience that night and found it extraordinary that the guy, though blatantly not amused, had gotten into his own rebellious dialogue with the pieces’ questionings.

Both Broken Chords and If We Go On are in my opinion the result of intelligent ensemble work and I relate and admire Charlotte’s way of looking at live performance. Personally what I love the most about these two works is the humour, it’s crucial!

Alex, after America

2010-06-08T21:15:00.009+01:00

Prompted by an unceasing “urge” to elaborate on my experience of the last leg of our touring saga, here are some snippets of my thoughts:

Well, as G. Hagi (google it) used to say…the shows went well, we were all in good form and most importantly, the “coach” was pleased.

I find it hard to talk about something that I do and live because of my inability to express it differently. I get up on stage to try and share that, which cannot be put into words or even into actions. Yet, I try.

Not always do I agree with what I am supposed to be portraying on stage, but that’s why they call it professionalism. In that sense, I think I’ve matured a lot; in accepting that the world doesn’t start or end with my opinion.Yet, I try…

I sometimes fight to great lengths for what I believe and hope that those around me have come to understand that as passion rather than discarding it as mere pigheadedness.

Thank you Charlotte for continuing to trust the process and thank you everyone else for putting up with me. It’s been an honour and a pleasure to share the limelight (and the drinks).

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p.s. there will now be a short pause

Harry's Thoughts after America

2010-05-25T17:42:00.002+01:00

What a year I have had re-connecting with the Company after almost ten years away. I was pleased to be invited to understudy Henry Montes during the devising stages of IF WE GO ON last summer. Keen to approach working with Charlotte again in a way that would perhaps coexist with and nurture my own research practice during the latter stages of my Choreography MA, at the Northern School of Contemporary Dance in leeds. Through circumstance I was then invited to develop this role, and perform during the autumn and spring tours of ‘if we go on’, as well as ‘broken chords’ in the USA, and Canada. To paraphrase IF WE GO ON by focussing on one thing (3 movement phrases) for what seemed like an everlasting amount of time, I was afforded a luxury infrequently encountered. As a progression of attempts, and performative experiences encountered throughout the tour, the three distinct and idiosyncratic movement phrases originally of Henry’s creation, had become incarnate and found their expression through me. This process was extremely satisfying, and indeed eventually paved the way to a developing parallel process within my own work. So much so that ongoing explorations of authenticity and plagiarism became primary considerations in a completed work that ‘I am not sure is mine’. Having been in process for a year and a half making my own work, it has been quite a relief and a new challenge to step into ‘already existing’ roles and works. However, this is where the similarities end between the two works, and where the meeting of myself with two radically different situations began. Performing BROKEN CHORDS despite the angst caused by the physical rigour of duets, and trios reeled off at break-neck speed and the highs and lows of dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions of my own making, as well as of others made for an interesting ride. I have to say that despite all the initial difficulty and concerns around stepping into someone else’s role, meeting the expectations (or not), I could have confidence in my/our ability to come together, and perform a work that is self assured and stands up to the test of time rather brilliantly. Giving birth can often be a painful process, there are no guarrantee’s as far as outcome and with (failing) elbow/shoulder strength needed, concerns around further injury were always present. However I have to say it was well worth persevering in the end. The experience of growing into BROKEN CHORDS whilst on tour in the U.S/Canada, however short lived (five shows) was thoroughly rewarding, scary, interspersed with moments of melancholy, madness and confusion. Nothing new there then, guffaw guffaw! In an empowering way the residing characteristic for myself was the joy experienced in performing again, meeting the conditions the work asked of me, and finding my own often emotive journey into the work. From an interior perspective, even though BROKEN CHORDS proved to be such a stark contrast to IF WE GO ON in both it’s physicality, and the inclusion experienced as opposed to the isolation determined by my role within IF WE GO ON, the two pieces share similarities and heritage’s not only of performer/creator/director, but also exist within similar terrains and aesthetic values like both pieces use of duration/disruption. In a way IF WE GO ON exists as an outcome of BROKEN CHORDS, not by attempting to redress, and find some kind of ‘new order’ but by attempting to redefine one's relationship with uncertainty and not knowing. Being on tour turned out to be a success, and one never knows what is going to happen, you may even fall in love, as I did. It’s a long way to Ottawa but a journey I am willing to take, facing my fears and allowing participation, despite how unrealistic it may seem. Similarly with my return to dance, performing and working with VDT, what a ride!

Kip's Thoughts on America, May 2010

2010-05-23T19:36:00.002+01:00

To have a new and a old piece together at one venue, is something of a rare happening especially for a British company to do in the States, so i think it was an invaluable opportunity that for me showed a clear through-line in Charlotte's thoughts and questions about how to approach a creative process.There was the more prominent aspects of how the 4th wall (audience) was slowly revealed in Broken Chords, and how it was toppled in If We Go On, to the point where the audience had to work hard and react be it positive/negative to really fully open up to what If We Go On was trying to say.

From the aspect of a performer in Broken Chords, I feel if it were to precede a performance of 'If We Go On,it would quench what i believe a 'non-dance' audience member wants from a piece of dance/theatre as regards the varying atmospheres created in the sections of the work (ie Loss/longing/recklessness/abandonment/comedy etc) and also a feeling of empathy/connection to the varying and strong personalities of the performers.The focus on this last element is key for me in the success and translation of the work. After all of this it introduces the question 'what is the role of the audience member' - passive/active?

And then If followed by If We Go Oni think the audience will be prepared to approach the piece in a more conceptual/questioning way. They are aware of what Charlotte is beginning to challenge/question in Broken Chords and are on board to go further with this element of her work.

To step into a previous role in Broken Chords was an interesting one for me! As mentioned before the distinct personality of the performers almost makes Broken Chords. So i was in a mental quandary as i knew that there were elements of Darren's role that worked well in the piece, but re-enacted on a different personality/ body will always achieve different results.Charlotte was aware of this and importantly allowed me to take the the essence/skeleton of Darren's role and mix it with my approach to the character. For me also missing the creative process to make the piece, made me think it would have possibly sustained my character throughout the performance,connecting the dots from an emotive point of view, if i knew what it took to get there.

As always there is a different sense of humour ranging from individual people to countries. Broken Chords has humor that is both subtle and blatant. But what I learnt from even going to different venues, is to never predict when the audience will find something funny and also poignant,as it changed from night to night and venue to venue.

A standing ovation in Canada was quite something for me, maybe I don't go to the right performances but it seems a rare occurance in Britain.

This was my first tour after Graduation, so not having any level of expectation meant all the treatment from the venues was splendid! Even the free bottled water and fruit was something to call home about. Every venue was very welcoming, and it is an amazing and humbling feeling to know that a venue is thankful and excited to have you there. Washed clothes (with fabric softener) in Ottawa was the creme de la creme of the tour for me.

I have to say the word dance 'company' was very apt for my time in USA/Canada.It was a splendid group of people to spend my time with and I felt like a contributing company member from the off. As with tours, you are at times living in each others pockets, eating rehearsing together. But the mix of people's backgrounds and personalities slotted in well together, and it was a pleasure to both dance and relax with a mightily interesting company, in which I learnt a tremendous amount. So cheers guys!

Also simply the fact that i performed with a company I highly admire and respect, combined with it being in USA and Canada. One cant complain!Very grateful and lucky indeed! Before i say adieu: Musicians! Musicians should be integral to every dance company.I say it is tremendously healthy to have that creative element in the studio. having Alex and PK simply playing around (quite beautifully) on the cello and violin for morning warm up, is a very fond memory of my time with VDT.

Scott's Thoughts on New Jersey

2010-05-18T11:21:00.005+01:00

I went to New Jersey to meet the Company who was getting Broken Chords back up for the tour. It was interesting to be able to be on tour, and keep my head down as regards a piece of repertory that I was not performing in. Also, three new performers on board, who all seemed liked very nice peoples. Jessica from the theatre was very helpful with organising transport and whatall, and it felt like having a tour manager along when she was present in NJ. Also was good to be in a large, clean, well outfitted theatre, with professional crew and such. Nick and Dom (our Technical Team) seemed steady on with tech details.

I was in the audience for one show of Broken chords, and really really thought it looked great, and that a lot of care had gone into making and performing of it. It was good for me to see another piece of VDT rep, and be inspired by its qualities.

Performing IWGO was not unfamiliar. I wondered if having an American accent lost some of its impact when performing for Americans. There was some interesting post show discussion about how the work could be difficult for some audience, and also about how it might be difficult to perform in some ways. I got a general vibe, that there were middle class types in the audience on some nights, that were a bit to challenged by what was on the stage, and had to exit the theatre. It seems, after three tours of IWGO, that it may not be easy populist piece of work somehow... However, we got a decent review in the NY Times, which impresses most of my family to no end, and which, I assume, is helpful to the company on some level.

My biggest personal challenge with the performing of IWGO, is how to keep levity alive, in the face of so many existential questions...? Also, how to pitch irony, or, does irony work differently with different audiences? Etc.

I was sad to watch the company leave for the airport without me after NJ performances. I have grown very fond of these people. This is a familiar feeling at the end of a performance/tour project, and I don't know if I get any better at surviving it.

Practically, the North American tour was pillowed with lots of family visiting for me. Which is a whole other kind of intense personal experience. I am going to miss playing music and drinking beer and hanging out with people. I hope to see them sooner's.

Fernanda Prata's Thoughts after Broken Chords

2010-05-05T14:23:00.004+01:00

For me, Broken Chords has some similarities with If We Go On in that both shows have a need for a change, a break, something that needs a shifting. If I could say a phrase that would be common for both shows would be "It is enough!"

Broken Chords is an easier show to understand and has a strong and easier narrative. IWGO is very brave, has a strong narrative as well, but is not a telling story, it is almost a shout, something that you guys need to get of your chest.

Music wise, is very different in my opinion, Broken Chords is more lyrical and has something that makes me think about the past. IWGO is more a distorted sound, and makes me think about confusion, present and again a shout.

Performing in America and Canada was great! I think the audience were so much more enthusiastic (especially the Americans) than English audiences. The treatment in the venues were fantastic! Compared to UK, I think they were the same.

The group (performers, technicians, director, office) were some of the most receptive people that I have ever worked with! Every single one was lovely to work with and received me and the other 2 new performers(Luisa and Kip) really well!

The thing that I am most impressed with this whole experience with VDT is the efficiency of the company's office. I thought Jane and the team did a brilliant job! The visa applications were arranged really well. The schedule for rehearsals and accommodation in Sheffield was fantastic! Payment and some unforeseen circumstances, like rearranging rehearsals, breakfasts, transportation were dealt with immediately.

I had a lovely time. Hope we have another tour soon!

Patrycja's Thoughts, Jetlagged in Sheffield

2010-05-04T18:32:00.004+01:00

I'm developing some sort of yearly routine of saying goodbye to people I have worked with. 'See you on the next project', or maybe 'never see you again?' You share long hours in the rehearsal studio, adrenaline, ideas, stress, a sense of fulfillment or a joy after a good show, bonkers parties in hotel, and then everyone disappears at once. Although I'm getting used to this process, it's always a bit sad. It's hard to desensitize yourself. It always takes some time to re-programme my brain to be at home. To slow down.

I can't quite decide if I felt any difference regarding audience responses to our work in America. It always depends on various conditions, like what age they are, how big the venue is (or how small and intimate), is it full house, are we on top of our game, or even what day of the week it is. And is there a bar in the theatre, so people can have a drink before the show, and relax before consuming the rather heavy meal we serve them. I'm not sure, I don't like generalising anyway... It always nice to get a standing ovation though..( which we did for all three performances in Ottowa).

Lovely to observe that performers started to form little groups, for pure joy purposes, entertaining themselves between the shows playing music or producing ever so slightly obscure and hilarious art work. I wonder if any of it could be useful in new show we 'll make...

Janusz's thoughts from Poland, after America

2010-05-04T12:20:00.003+01:00

When I think of last 3 weeks of touring in US and Canada I think of many things at once. It’s quite hard to get my head around it all as it was quite full on, despite having few days off in between working days. And these were really needed at times.

It was interesting was to put 2 pieces in one venue, the recent If We Go On and the production that made company’s name, Broken Chords. Two completely different pieces, yet so similar in many ways.

We have done many shows in a row but this was a particulary hard experience for me. Being less physically active over last year. There is not so much dance in If We Go On, the show we have been touring recently, which was a deliberate choice, and this put quite a big pressure on me learning and performing Lee Clayden’s role in Broken Chords, rather than the one I originally made. It was physically demanding and draining rather than emotionally tiring, as many things have changed since we made the work. Five years have passed and the fun in doing it was still there. I enjoyed it more this time round. Maybe I had to wait a bit, maybe learn to be more patient, maybe grow up a bit more – in age and experience, maybe openly say to myself ’I can do it, I can actually do it’.

This touring thing is hard work and never easy to write about. Dear readers, memories were precious and these last 3 weeks of touring were worth going for and worth doing. As a company we learnt a lot from it. We have experienced different lifestyles, different public reactions, different food, beer prices and tipping and despite wanting to get back home (we all want it at times, don’t we?) I loved it and I thank you all for everything. Here’s to the next one!

Thoughts from America- Aurora

2010-04-30T18:00:00.004+01:00

The line in Broken Chords "can we go on now?" leads towards "If We Go On". Interruptions towards rebellion. Stopping and starting. Remembering moments from previous shows. Creating while performing. There is not a smooth structure. You can switch off and on more and more easily. Both of the shows end up being very emotional, but IWGO gives you the distance, you can look at the picture, the emotions, you can frame them, there is no need to sink into them. In IWGO there is more room for play, for mistakes, for being who you are. Questioning and saying "No to Bach, partner work, emotional catharsis..." followed next night by performing Broken Chords gives more understanding to what the game is in IWGO. There is the game in the show itself but also there is a dialogue between Broken Chords and If We Go On.

This is the straw that break the camel's back - this camel is not taking any more straws

2010-04-30T17:27:00.007+01:00

I started making If We Go On (IWGO) in May 2009, designing and planning and thinking, and was soon joined by a heavily pregnant Aurora to start making the work, before giving birth. A year later, having toured the UK with Aurora's two children for two seasons, we are just finishing a tour of three venues in another continent - New Jersey and Pittsburgh in the States and Ottowa, Canada at the National Arts Centre.

At Montclair State University's Alexander Kaisser Theatre in New Jersey we performed IWGO and Broken Chords, the latter requiring a huge amount of re-rehearsal as four new performers joined the cast and Janusz learnt Lee Clayden's role. Fernanda Prata, Luisa Lazzaro, Harry Theaker and Kip Johnson joined the VDT cast - and all of them have done a fantastic job. With Scott Smith, Carly Best its a very big, very strong and experienced group of performers doing two shows in one venue.

Sitting watching IWGO one night and Broken Chords (made in 2005) the next evening I am struck by the similarities and the differences between the two works. IWGO is undoubtedly darker, more fractured, more challenging, less easy on the eye. It circles around itself, goes nowhere and everywhere, confounds expectations, pisses people off, shakes you, bores you, makes you sit up and listen, makes you marvel at the skill of the performers involved.

I love watching Harry move - he hasn't danced like this for years and it suits him. He is truly versatile and is as connected with his movement instinct at 42 as he was when he was 22. It just takes his body more time to remember stuff!

I love watching Carly and Janusz battle it out in their duet - aggressively slamming each other against the wall, providing themselves with their own soundtrack through Alex's feedback loop. Carly is like dynamite- wound up, exquisite, precise, committed, present.

I love hearing the sounds that emerge from Alex and his cello- the hardcore thwacking, the beautifully round waves of sound, the woody baseline, the moments where my full attention is on strings being drawn and bent and pushed and pulled in and out of shape. In his hands the cello is most beautiful and most ugly and I relish it all. His fingers dance throughout the show.

I love the drawl of Scott's voice, the pace quickening, the pace slowing, the irony pushing through, the instinctual movements and shifts in tone and song in the way he plays it, in the way he moves. And he plays it differently every night. He plays a mean clarinet and mouth organ too.

I could watch Aurora being Pina Bausch (or Marina Abramovic, or just herself) forever. She lilts and tilts and droops and holds onto an internal world as though her life depends on it. She is lovely and clever and magical to watch as the musicians swell the sound around her and pull her into and out of a scene of her own making. She commands the stage - subtle, tiny but always so present.

I watch Janusz with admiration, speaking, questioning, faltering, adjusting, refusing, slowly bowing out. But I have a feeling he'll be back for more dancing. After all this I am ready to see him move again- Broken Chords has reminded me (in his duets with Luisa) how watchable he is when he is physically on fire.

I witness Patrycja reigning in her energy, suppressing it, controlling it only to let it scream out at points in the show where nothing else will do. She is both primal and controlled. You feel the visceral pleasure of the words in her mouth as she glues the show together with Wendy Houstoun's more risque texts, texts that question everything, texts that give away all she has to give. When she hits the mark, she sends shivers up my spine.

Most of all though -heightened by seeing this work on foreign soil, alongside the piece that made the company's name 5 years ago- I feel enormous pride in the ensemble, in us all having the balls to try something new. I thank the admin team at home for making this happen and the group for trusting me enough to follow this path.

I feel very uncertain as to what can be next after so much questioning, but with some time off this will emerge and unfold as it always does and I will start to make phone calls to these talented, committed collaborators. "Hey, I've had this idea I think we should try...."

Patrycja's Spring Tour Blog

2010-02-22T13:37:00.003Z

I’ve only realised that we‘ve only got 7 shows left, before the spring tour finishes. The nature of this tour (big gaps between performances) makes me feel like every time we do it it’s a little premiere. It will soon be over, before I even could say that I KNOW everything about this show.

I’ve learned that although one performance doesn’t change much from another (well -it inevitably varies- as this is a nature of live art) even tiny alterations of tempo, tone, colour, way of approaching one’s activity seem to have massive impact on the overall picture. It’s a fragile organism. Although I aim to be as consistent as I can, there is an ongoing dialog with myself how far can I go – i.e reacting intuitively to audience responses – without bringing the damage to the structure. (A mischievous little desires to REALLY confront one or another member of the public and ask :“Is this shitty?” or “I’m melting in front of you- how does it make you feel?” “Shut up and listen!”…forth wall? What forth wall…

All the texts I deliver on stage, no matter if they are written by Wendy, or Scott, became mine, in a funny sense that I have to remind myself that –as Janusz says in show “these words are not mine”.

During each show I develop a special- one off, mini relationship with the audience. My role is to communicate between US and THEM, I spend lots of time looking into their eyes, observing. I sympathise with them at times, occasionally becoming one of them to observe my own actions. It depends on the night and who came to watch us, and what vibe they send towards us, my feelings towards public fluctuates between sense of joy of serving them something they probably didn’t expect, masochistic pleasure of seeing their confusion, satisfaction…or relief if they “get it”. Equipped with confidence I storm onto the stage, only to experience a wave of doubt. A difference between FEELING and ACTING doubt.

“I ‘m real”

“There isn’t such a thing as being real on the stage”

(?)

For a split second I might feel slightly superior…or even angry or disappointed, thinking If We Go On is really NOT THAT EDGY…so what’s the fuss… I‘m curious what American audiences will make of it all.

Scott's Thoughts - Feb 2010

2010-02-18T10:33:00.000Z

Recently, it has seemed that there has been a need to inject some new (old?) questions into the working process, as we have been challenged by audiences, size of venue, repetition, and familiarity among other things.

We played a very large (for us) theatre last week, and there was some concern about the work getting far enough off of the stage to read in the further reaches of the house. It seems we won’t have big houses to deal with often, so perhaps, the concern will dissipate again for a while. I have gotten more practice in delivering to a smaller group of audience, that I can comprehend in front of me of an evening...

I have been thinking that this work asks an audience to consider their very own personal relationship to the events on stage or in the theatre. There are events that have happened during shows, audience leaving during the pauses on stage, or directing questions at the players, or leaving the theatre. I feel a bit like we have opened up a smallish can of worms asking people to think. And if what we have made is an object?
Is the object mutable? Plastic?
Who are the appropriate persons to mutate the object?
The players, the audience, the director, the writer, dramaturge, etc?
Is the object mutable? And if so, what are the contingencies?

Are we acting?
Is acting more or less appropriate to the work? In what measure?

During the run of this production, I have begun to notice a kind of angst arising in my performance. Irony is maybe a difficult quality to sustain, without giving in to its darker side. It’s probably more practical to love an audience, than to hate an audience.

Look at me just look at me.
Don’t look at me, just don’t look at me.

The new production crew is good. Kick back and let them do it good.

The tour is full of holes. Holes in the schedule. Its a different kind of tour. I come home often. There is plenty to do.

People/the public seem to be finding things in the work to ponder, some of them. Others ponder other things. What people like, what people dislike.
I think the work wanted to ask some questions of conventions. The rub, has caused some heat, here and there.
I can’t tell if we are hip. Or not.
Depends on who you ask.

At any rate,
Thank God she went on. It has changed our lives, forever.

Janusz's Blog Feb 2010

2010-02-18T10:31:00.001Z

The spring tour of If We Go On has been met with a few changes. Well, maybe not that many - most important I think is that we have a new technical team - Dom Martin and Nik Kennedy. We are still the same cast of performers, still touring with two lovely, little kids of Aurora’s, still facing up to the fragile nature of the work. Those who saw it, know what I am talking about, Those who did not, should make their way to the theatre to see it. It is a brave show, a very good antidote to what is usually shown in dance, especially in UK. People often say that they prefer "the other" VDT works. It does not surprise me - we all want what we already know, what we are familiar with. It is safe, comfortable, nice. Well, I can only say it makes me proud that we, as company, took a risk and put on a different show.

I think that the experience at British Dance Edition in Birmingham was by far one of the most strange, exciting and memorable (not an easy show to do in a venue like the Birmingham Rep Theatre, with such a big auditorium). The audience (most of them were delegates and promoters) began leaving the auditorium 10 minutes before the show actually ended. Quite scary, but at the same time an exciting thing to see in front of your eyes. And while we were still going and Patrycja began to say her last (very important) words in the show, some of them turned and came back to their seats, some stopped, turned and listed, some left anyway. What a happening!

Remember the words of a lady who came to me after the show and said: "As long as I live on this earth, I always thought that the sign to clap and leave the theatre was when the houselights are on".

Video Trailer

2010-01-29T15:13:00.003Z

Here is our new If We Go On trailer.

We will be kicking off our UK spring tour at The Junction, Cambridge on Tuesday 2 February at 8pm. Other UK tour dates include:

3 February 2010, 8pm
Wilde Theatre, South Hill Park, Bracknell

5 February 2010, 8pm
British Dance Edition 2010
Birmingham Repertory Theatre

9 & 10 February 2010, 8pm
Nuffield Theatre Lancaster

24 February 2010, 7.30pm
Lawrence Batley Theatre, Huddersfield

3 March 2010, 8pm
Weston Studio, Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff

17 March 2010, 7.30pm
Curve, Leicester

19 March 2010, 7.30pm
Harrogate Theatre

We hope to see you there. Enjoy.

Janusz's Steps

2009-09-13T20:02:00.002+01:00

Walked in with a suspicious step.

A "worrying step.

A "do not want to step in” step.

A “am not sure if I will fit in” step.

A “not sure what step to take” step.

A happy step.

A willing step.

A “willing for what” step.

There will be lots of steps…

I do not want to make the next step.

Maybe I do not want to step in at all.

Maybe I do not know how to step in.

Maybe I will step too far.

Maybe I already made a big step.

How will I know when is the last step?

More steps…

I make a step.

One step.

Second step.

Third step.

“I don’t know what it means” step.

“I don’t know will it mean anything” step.

“I simply don’t know” step.

Have you had enough of stepping the steps?

I continue to step the steps.

Stepping forwards.

Stepping backwards.

Stepping upwards.

Stepping downwards.

Stepping for a piss.

Stepping for a fag.

Stepping for a rant.

Stepping for a chat.

Stepping to the office.

Stepping up and down.

Fuck that stepping rhyme…

More steps are coming up…

Third week steps become clearer.

Is it still worth to step in further?

Do I step towards the right direction?

Is that step mean a step to me??

Step, step, step…

Ok, and one more step…

For once, make that one fucking meaningful step.

“Is it difficult to ask?” step.

“In no particular order” step.

A “Persistance” step.

A “Costa-Rican” step.

An “understudy” step.

A “calming presence” step.

A “crying baby” step.

A “City Road’ step.

A “Crookes” step.

A “Lower Walkley” step.

A “sex for pleasure” step.

A “Class 2 National Insurance” step.

A “draft schedule” step.

A “Darren Brown” step.

A “Protect and survive” step.

A “Rubiez” step.

Too many steps…

Few more steps… (patience)

Step, step, step…

Fuck the steps, fuck ‘em up!

Step up.

Step forward.

Keep stepping.

keep stepping..

keep stepping…

step alone

Step together

Yes, step together.

Lets Gather Together, Like We Used To

2009-09-09T22:03:00.002+01:00

Alex is composing, scoring, attacking, questioning, managing and making sound.

Carly is dancing, signing, thinking, remaining mute.

PK is talking, shouting, breathing, reading, presenting out, pushing the action inwards.

Scott is playing, reading, talking, measuring time in pauses.

Janusz is copying, noting, notating, correcting, watching, refusing, stealing, reworking.

Aurora is floating, drawing, drawing breath and tending to her baby girl.

Henry is moving, often alone.

Patrycja's Thoughts, 9 September 2009

2009-09-09T21:58:00.003+01:00

I'm pleasantly snowed under an overwhelming amount of text.

There are hundreds of paper sheets floating on the stage floor,

a massive pile of printed words on my stage desk,

dozens of wrinkled, half-ripped and stained pages waiting backstage...

I feel like a

WORD collector

WORD deliverer

WORD transmitter

WORD interpreter

WORD presenter

WORD consumer

WORD broadcaster

...some WORDS are more MINE than others...

The ACT of organizing all these words in the space, in my head, my mouth , in my memory, in a loop station, is an ongoing task. The DIFFICULTY of organizing them will be explicit throughout the performance too.

WORDS as a substance

WORDS as sonic value

WORDS as rhythmical value

WORDS as emotional value

Tangible WORDS

WORDS flying in a 'storm' scene

WORDS squashed under the pressure of the expectation of MEANING

WORDS chopped and divided to syllables, singular letters.

WORDS as a weapon against abstraction.

WORDS seasoned with a Polish accent.

Signs and Languages

2009-08-27T21:57:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow we all stop for a week - offering some much needed head space. This week with Alex Carly and Janusz has been a good week for the work. A fog has lifted and we are working towards some kind of common understanding. The ground work that has been done is beginning to reap rewards and the work is gathering its own momentum. This is when I start to make connections, where people's journeys and languages start to fall slowly into place, where threads are picked up and sense is made of 'scenes' or functional actions. We are practical in the approach to making this work. What does the room need now? I am carrying a vast amount of stuff around in my head - connections between materials from May, July, August devising periods. We have talked a lot this week and it has been useful, non-egocentric talking - about the work and what it needs, what it means, what it offers us, where it may be going. All three performers are is working within a restricted palette of language - pushing one idea as far as it can go, amking, dismantling, reworking, reshaping, repeating, pushing it around. We end up with multiple versions of similar material, material that can be looped and repeated, but what is exciting is that we are now distilling down - making decisions about what works and what needs to be rejected and removed from the picture. I enjoy this process. Mining, digging, reforming, recalling, settling on one version that might be something. And we are rupturing the material- marking it, speeding it up, stealing from others, writing it, scoring it, reading it, omitting bits....shifting between languages, just like the flyer says we should be.

Thursday 27 August

2009-08-27T21:53:00.002+01:00

Alex Writes, 26 August

2009-08-27T21:37:00.001+01:00

If language is the key to cracking this, than surely we can find each other in the dark…?

If this sort of darkness is anything like fog, it will settle, leaving us were we started: the place we want to know for the first time again (wink T.S. Eliot)

Carly, Charlotte, Henry, PK, Val, Scott, Sam, Ruth, Wendy, Janusz and I…..six weeks later

42 days and 41 nights

Some of us don’t want to move

Some are reluctant to piece two movements together in fear of actual choreography arising from the ashes of afterthought….

I don’t think it’s about the movement or about the words or sound or about acting or about the lack of a set (so to speak) or about art in general…

We’re dealing with an internal strike; We want to pause. In the limelight. And unravel ourselves as you’ve never seen us before (outside a pub): just being here and trying things out, failing and getting up….because if you never fail you will never experience getting up.

We are trying to move the spectacle from what we do to how we do it and eventually to who we are.

Is that interesting?

The Arts Council seem to really hope so…

Darkness is settling…

Here we go

Buck naked (so to speak)

Stuttering from the heart for the first time on stage….enjoy us.

Enjoy us as we attempt to pause…

What we do, you’ve seen before

This is a total one off

So to speak

When to stop?

2009-08-23T17:38:00.004+01:00

BEING UNSURE ABOUT HOW TO CONTINUE

REPEATED CIRCLES OF MATERIAL

RECYCLED EVENTS

AN ORDER THAT IS LOST OR CONFUSED

BEING UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT

GOING OFF SCRIPT

BURNING OURSELVES OUT

LOOPING

PHASING

PROMPTING

WATCHING BEHAVIOURS

These are not my words

2009-08-23T17:36:00.004+01:00

I LIKE TO BE WATCHED

I LIKE TO BE ADORED

I ILE TO BE EXPOSED

I LIKE TO BE ADMIRED

I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE THINK MY JOB IS BETTER THAN THEIRS

I AM VERY KEEN TO DO SOMETHING

I SHOULD DANCE

GROWING UP IN PUBLIC

LOOK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP

Nearly There?

2009-08-23T16:53:00.004+01:00

I CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING

WHERE IS THE SCRIPT

I USED TO BE ATTRACTIVE MUCH MORE CAPABLE

I WILL LOOK MEANINGFUL AND I WILL SHOW MY LEGS

I DONT WANT TO BE MISERABLE

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING REAL ON STAGE

SUCCESS HAS GONE OUT OF THE WINDOW

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

Look at Us, Just Look at Us

2009-08-16T17:49:00.005+01:00

Look at Us

Just Look at Us

We must be joking

We must be having a laugh

How did I get my foot in the door?

Who let us loose on the stage?

Bad Orchestra, 13 August 2009

2009-08-16T17:45:00.002+01:00

Weds 12 July

2009-08-16T17:40:00.006+01:00

I have wanted to make work with song in it for quite some time. As this seems to be the piece where I am throwing caution to the wind, today we start to sing. I ask Alex to compose a simple melody that we can harmonise to and we steal some words from Wendy’s NERVOUS NUMBER text:

LOOK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP

I CAN SEE FROM THE WAY YOU WATCH

THIS IS GOING TO BE – SPECIAL

I TREMBLE AND I HESITATE

The result is so on the edge of being completely appalling, that I imagine there must be something in it worth pursuing. PK and Alex like it so that’s good enough for me. Henry’s not so sure!

I give everyone a list of what they need to ‘get through’ in the next hour or so, on top of which

Using what sketches of materials we have generated we perform a structured improvisation

I ask Henry to take people hostage within the impro

I ask Alex to score his way through it

I ask PK to concentrate on getting through a long list of texts in different forms, including a panic attack

I ask Janusz and Carly to busk their way through what little material they have and make up the rest.

They get through it and some interesting scenes emerge. Feeling a need to start working in more detail, I decide to use what happened in this improv as the basis for emerging ‘episodes’, dissecting what happened, mapping the actions and recreating it in detail over the next 2 days so repeatable ‘scenes’ can start to emerge.

Tuesday 11 August

2009-08-16T17:40:00.001+01:00

We create the QUIZ SHOW FOR THE BODY that Wendy has sent us, setting up Carly and Janusz as dancers who don’t know what they are doing or why, or where they are or what is expected of them. PK and Alex accompany with cheerful plucked music as the quiz slides out of control and the dancers retract to the back wall, embarrassed, ashamed, undone. Too easy?

Carly makes a phrase from a CALLING DANCE text, and with a bit of editing, a phrase that can be repeated over and over with an intervention from Alex.

Janusz creates a phrase with a STEP TO IT text that Claire Macdonald wrote ages ago after initial discussions in Sussex about this work. He works with a microphone in one hand and complicated foot patterns, accompanied by cello later in the week.

PK works on a text that starts acoustically in the shadows and emerges into the light, to which Henry dances and Alex plays cello.

10 August 2009

2009-08-16T17:36:00.002+01:00

Janusz arrives from Posnan and Carly from London and the atmosphere shifts again. I am not sure yet whether a constantly evolving cast helps or hinders my own creative process. A devising process staggered into three weekly chunks of time with each performer means I have to hold much real and imagined data in my head as we work – imagining Scott here and Val there whilst working with everyone else. Aurora’s devising process feels like a long time ago. She has given birth to a baby girl (a week or so overdue) and is doing well. She was expecting to come over on 6^th September, but I wonder if this is realistic now - I hope she isn’t worrying too much about work and enjoying her first few weeks with her daughter.

My approach to making this piece has shifted this week. I have been in a mental and emotional fog of prescribed drugs since I started making work with Aurora and I have now finished the course and seem to be seeing straight again.

I reflect on how each performer seems to be turning up with quite a strong personal agenda for making this particular piece of work. Some would really rather work alone. Some really don’t want to be touched or manhandled. Some want to feel connected to the group. Some want to be out on a limb. Some don’t want to do partner work. Some feel it’s time to lay down the instruments they are expert at playing. Some would rather be down the pub. Most like to play and improvise. Again questions of free will and coercion – what does the piece need? Am I not being clear enough? In allowing more space and freedom for people to work things out for themselves within a process, am I being less of a director? How much direction to give experienced practitioners? Am I just providing a frame for their own explorations? What will we be left with? Where is the sense of ensemble? Will that come in September when we all reconvene to finish making and structuring the work? Am I giving people enough rope to hang themselves with?

Carly and Janusz arrive and there are expectations from me for more movement. Henry will spend the week consolidating his materials before leaving for three weeks. He is studious and independent in his approach, very clear about what he likes and doesn’t like, what he is willing and not willing to do on stage. He works things out for himself in relation to what is going on around him and doesn’t seem to equate dancing with ‘feeling’ anything- he has more of a functional approach somehow. Janusz is hoping not to do any duets this year – and I rather annoyingly ask him to create a wall duet with Carly on the first day he arrives. I can feel his dismay at being asked to create such a thing (again) but we need some material that serve this function and it’s a useful way to get Carly (who I haven’t worked with before) into the thick of it.

We play under the lights imagining the light as water falling on different parts of the body.

We develop a motif for PK that she is shocked every time the light falls on her face.

We develop circular patterns that may be useful to create the ‘storm’ I’ve been planning.

We describe a dance we have always wanted to make.

We read out loud several comical dances (from Italy, North London, Constantinople) that Wendy has written for us to try. We try them out. They are pretty bad.

PK starts work on a LOOK AT ME text.

We talk about rituals and repetition, about leaving a mark and the translation of movement into sound.

Wall Wipe / Panic Attack

2009-08-09T21:49:00.002+01:00

wall wipe dance

panic attack

I Nevers / Counting texts

2009-08-09T21:47:00.000+01:00

3-7th August

2009-08-09T21:35:00.005+01:00

Alex's score dance - double jointed shoulders and arthritic knees lead to a broken down composer's dance, scraping along the back wall, fighting to score notes on the wall as Henry steadily draws the stave.

A ladder comes in handy for staging your own death, using text as wallpaper, breaking up the space.

Long Days Ahead

2009-08-09T21:29:00.004+01:00

I ask Alex to musically score sonic events on the back wall. I like the way it looks. I think this and Aurora's drawing may both add an interesting graphic aspect to the work. the board looks beautiful when it has been cleaned. Alex plays dead. Henry plays dead.

Henry, Alex and Patrycja, 3 August 2009

2009-08-09T21:18:00.002+01:00

We are now in the process of making a show, because when I mention these words in the studio people seem to know vaguely what to do:

PUNK ROCK

STORM

GO GO GO

KILL KILL KILL

I NEVERS

TAI CHI DANCE

SONG INTRO

GOOSE CHASE

SUCKY DANCE

LOOK AT ME

NERVOUS NUMBER

RANT

GLANCE DANCE

CRACKPOT

PETRONIO

PHOTO TEXT

DRAWING DANCE

WALL WIPE

WATERMARKS

ENIGMA DANCE

PISSING

HOSTAGE

ABU GHRAIB

SHORT PAUSE

PANIC ATTACK

Henry, Val and Alex, 29 July 2009

2009-08-09T21:10:00.003+01:00

Henry is a calming independent presence. He suggests that he does not connect with the darker texts Wendy has written (following conversations with me). He would rather focus on rhythm of the writing. Years of practice show in his approach to the works on the page. Delicate, intricate movement patterns emerge in his long, lean body. Shifts of weight and small swipes carving air. Limbs that allow movement to linger in traces in the space. He generates movement fast and instinctively which looks deceptively effortless and simple. I enjoy watching him create material. He and Val create a duet with a STOP START text that Wendy has written.

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO they shriek at each other - dancing madly

AGAIN

STOP

It reminds me of my niece Sylvie who shouts AGAIN AGAIN if you hang her upside down and then stack her back up.

Game playing. We need to play more.

Henry, Val and Alex, 27 July 2009

2009-08-09T20:58:00.005+01:00

Val returns.

Henry arrives.

Alex arrives.

Scott comes back for a few days

Valentina 20-23 July

2009-08-09T20:45:00.001+01:00

Scott has gone.

Val is still recovering from Italian Flu and trying to buy a house in London.

Alex is delayed because his visa didn't show up on time in Costa Rica.

I am struck down with Yorkshire Flu.

Val and I struggle for four days with texts that I think she can do something with.

She makes an interesting solo sucking in and swallowing words she is trying to speak. Big questions around whose works we are speaking and how to deal with text that carry my conceptual ideas which may not fit into or suit another performers' mouth.

These words are not my words.

My flu gets worse and for the first time in a long time we take Friday off and Val gets back to London a day early, ready to move house.

I spend three days in bed (sponsored by Kleenex tissues).

Scott's Reflections, Week 3, 13-17 July

2009-07-27T21:37:00.010+01:00

Valentina arrived at our rehearsal process this week, so with PK, there are two other humans in the space with me. One thing that might have been slightly problematic for me so far, is that I dont have so much interest (desire) in soloing. This has been coming on the last few years for me. The clear desire to dance/perform/make sound/behave, in relationship to other people. At the very least, I seem to need objects or architecture. Otherwise, it can be difficult to find a reason or motivation for me to move. Why disturb the universe?

I crave paraphernalia.

This week has been concerned with making lists of would be materials, and trying them on in creative ways. There are some repetitions, and there are some turnings off into new prospects. As we are making hour long sessions often, it all gets mixed up in a gumbo of rehearsals and repetitions. One needs to stay alert as to what kind of signals are coming from fellow performers, in that they might be wanting to practice a specific material or scene, and need another person to perform their part, in that scene. Lots of materials generated, though as ever, how to organise them? There is also this very abstract notion (for me), of imagining how any given bit, will exist in relation to all the bits that will be made over the course of the summer, as Charlotte keeps up this process with a new performer arriving every three weeks to Begin their own process. Then in September, we all (cast) gather back in Sheffield to assemble the work. One can only imagine some things...

Its been interesting to observe Valentina as she has been inserted into an ongoing process, and has to develop coping strategies on the fly a bit. Or in other words, Charlotte and PK and I, have been accumulating and storing a bank or list of images and words and sounds and such, that we can refer to for use. I wonder if Valentina will go through any similar process when Henry arrives late in her three week period.

Lots of potential material has been discarded for the time being. Or perhaps material has been re-contextualised. In some cases, maybe its a less overt/obvious approach to material, and these bits have been allowed to simmer under the surface more, but still contribute to the gestalt. (Or something...)

Charlotte keeps mentioning, that I might be a disruptive figure the piece. Or that a persons (solo) might be in several short instalments over the course of the evening. As such, in the works we have been practicing this week, there might be several entrances and exits over the course of an hour or so.

We have been working with the set more this week, and the architecture of the space. Moving objects (chairs, mic stands, lights, bodies, texts etc) about the space.It can look afterwards, as if there has been a bit of a storm or disruption in the stage space. at times, I have felt disruptive myself, and have had images of breaking lights, or asking difficult questions (rhetorical?) and such. I have managed to break a few broom sticks whilst using them for pointers on the black board. This has me feeling like some deranged CEO or professor.

Ruth (dramaturg) came in to watch and feed back this week. I think she thought it was all a bit dark maybe. I believe I heard Charlotte say that this was not unusual for this period of a making process, and that perhaps, it might lighten up later. All I can do so far, is follow my nose.

Scott's Reflections, Week 2, 6-10 July

2009-07-27T21:34:00.006+01:00

I feel like the second week of my rehearsal period was concerned with putting into form, many of the materials we had been researching the first week. As ever, there seemed to be a riddle about how to get back into the content of the research work, and put this into repeatable forms. I often feel that getting swept up in the vibe of action/behavior, is the more interesting aspect of the product, and that the shapes of the behaviors/actions, are sort of by products or consequences of something more primary (or interesting to me anyway). I understand that this can be slippery for the purposes of choreography or repetition. ( Repetition, the French word for rehearsal).In my experiance, some things change, and some stay the same. What does one address, if not shape and duration or other quantifiable properties? Tempo, tone, etc.. Is the foot pointed or flexed? Or relaxed... New dance in my experience, often has no set syllabus, and needs its materials identified as such, in order to find a beginning point or palette from which to work.

We have been trying on several versions of text, some of which are amalgams of as many as four writers contributions by now. I am sensing a need to start back at a beginning concerning text and language. Or another doorway or approach anyway. I am thinking more and more, that the texts might not need to relate to me personally, but would reflect larger or more general concerns, Or at the least, multiple concerns or thoughts of the multiple writers. Cut ups (by way of Burroughs) have come to mind.

One thing that seems consistent for me, are the acts of accompaniment for action, with sound. This seems to give me something tangible to focus on or practice. Making sound as other people act. It seems less abstract to me than movement propositions. Dancing as such, is feeling very abstract and removed from an actual environment. On that note, its been very helpful for me to have PK in the rehearsal space this week, as there is someone else to respond to, or perceive in the space with me. As an added bonus, PK has brought a ukulele with her. Stringed instruments are right up there with puppy's at the top of a list of good things for me to involve with. Now, if someone would only show up with a puppy or two, I would be all set...

Wendy came for a day, and shook up the approach to text by suggesting we only speak the vowel sounds of the words and such. It was good to have the language ruptured, I felt.

Talks with Wendy 18 July

2009-07-18T22:41:00.003+01:00

Talk of new RANT AND MANIFESTO texts, that can act as aspirations for continuing rather than moaning or describing what we are no longer prepared to do. Talk of a 'LOSING MY DIGNITY’ text. Talk of a 'PROMPTING' text. Talk of a 'NEUROSIS' text. Talk of 'Do we become redundant as we get older' and is that a different question for women? Talk of aging and failing physicality. How could you stage killing someone off? After a long discussion, thoughts that may help Wendy to write some new stuff for IWGO -

Do we find ourselves where we want to be? Are we constantly adjusting ourselves to make the right impression/ fit in / become acceptable/ be part of a group / find a common language
Perhaps the show becomes an attempt to articulate a manifesto for how to continue....
Trying stuff out. Things standing in for things
People co-existing in their differences of style and approach within one show
Trying to avoid being so inward looking, but circularity is useful in the presentaion of things
Functionality of performance – seeing performers cope with things being the driver for action
Things seen and then reseen in different contexts with different stuff taking place at the same time – affords us to use texts more than once or vary/fragment them in order to reuse and recycle them
Playing with the idea that performers notice that they have dug themselves into a hole on stage and the language around that
acknowledging that narrative and emotion are inevitable in the work
Texts that supply instructions for looking are useful

Losing Track, 13 - 17 July

2009-07-18T22:15:00.003+01:00

Valentina arrives, recovering from possible Italian strain of Swine Flu. She had weak legs, but she lightens up the room. Harry joins us, teaches Yoga, gets involved in a long improvisation. I think he enjoyed being with experienced performers for the day...Great to see him move again.

As a way to open things up a bit, we've done several long improvisations which seem to suggest a potential, shambolic way forward for 'housing' of the fragments of material we are creating. The blackboard acting as a set of instructions, duly wiped off as the performers fulfil the tasks they set themselves at the top of the improv. It makes the performance functional. The volume of tasks is a bit overwhelming for Scott, who prefers to work on one thing at a time, but at least the more improvisational nature of this way of working offers him freedom to make choices, that when we are trying to 'set' things doesnt feel right. Lots of discussion around practice and repetition and forgetting and the need to follow a kind of score- however broad as a way to get through stuff and generate new stuff.

I spend much time pondering on how I will have to keep adapting my way of working to suit each individual performer - this is dangerous ground for me - I have to be careful not to get too sidetracked with the enquiry into that, to the detriment of creating useable material for a show that has to actually exist at some point in the near future. Lots of discussion around free will and volition - what one naturally wants to do and what one doesn't really have an appetite for. Os directing dictatorship? So much of that negotiation comes down to the roles we play in a room and so much is down to taste. My worst fear is to make boring work where nothing much happens. How to embody the work we create together?

On Friday we run some stuff for Dramaturg Ruth and it feels pretty weak, nihilistic and difficult. No hope. Very dark and unformed. Not enough light - real or otherwise. Is this shit?

Sunday Again

2009-07-12T15:08:00.007+01:00

And the weeks fly by and I am not sure where any of this is going.

Neurosis sets in and this time it is crippling.

The days have felt heavy with circular thought this week.

I never seem to have enough time to think straight.

Yes, that gets harder as you get older.

I feel troubled that I am not working in a way that is honest to me as an artist or as a woman.

I feel paper thin. Over-exposed.

What are the things that have always defined my work? What is my 'signature'? Why this need to work so counter-intuitively now? Am I setting myself up to fail or am I paving the way to a different creative future? What am I trying to prove - that I can be as conceptually interesting as Jerome Bell, as smart and clean as Jonathan Burrows? Who do I think I am? My tendency leans towards the over-earnest, but with editing, distillation and a strong sense of self- depricating humour, I usually pull it off. I still want to affect people and the only thing that is 'affecting' me so far is Aurora's solo (built around her swelling belly and my medical imaginings) and Scott's forgetfulness - explored through a breakdown of language and a fragmented solo dance.

Keeping everything at arms length just doesn't work for me. Its too cool, too masculine perhaps? Wearing my heart on your sleeve is all I know how to do. I am a woman after all. My currency is emotion. My material and content is my emotional life. Some people think emotion is old fashioned, but is this a tyranny against what is female?

DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

If If We Go On is 'about' anything it is about exhaustion, about making sense of the choices we make in life. Circular, age-old dilemmas about working women, about trying to match a working life with a home life. About remaining childless?About having it all and failing to have it all. About having a home that isn't somewhere you just pass through in between hotel rooms.

I AM BORED OF MY OWN PROTOCOLS.

I AM SICK OF WANTING TO BE FIRST AND BEST AND HEARD ABOVE THE REST

I WANT TO BE QUIET NOW, TO ADJUST TO THE REGRET I FEEL ABOUT NOT TAKING THE TIME TO PRIORITISE OTHER THINGS

I CANNOT HAVE IT ALL

I NEED TO SATISFY SOMETHING IN ME OTHER THAN A CREATIVE DRIVE

MID LIFE CRISIS CASUALTY-

WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER?

I AM MELTING IN FRONT OF YOU

THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS - it is not good for my health

THE LAST CURTAIN CALL

THIS IS NO FICTION - THIS IS REAL, REALLY REAL

THIS IS MY (SELF OBSESSED) SWAN SONG

AND, LIKE THE CIRCUS PEOPLE, WE CARRY ON.

COME ON, DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

Scott after two weeks of rehearsals, 12 July 2009

2009-07-12T14:52:00.003+01:00

I have put myself into the spaces provided by the design and director's suggestions, and proceeded to make improvisations. Was provided with texts, microphones, black boards and chalk among other things.

There seems to be some concern with ageing, or the ageing dancer/performer.

(what about it?)

Since I am an ageing dancer... Or since I am ageing, (who isn't). Or since I have aged. Perhaps, I am a likely candidate for this work.

We seem to have gone round a bit about the appropriate nature of a text. Do the words feel right (true?) for me etc. I have processed different opinions about this. At this point, I feel as if I might just work with whatever text is provided, rather than have an opinion about the content, as I perceive it. Like it would be a character or persona that I would occupy for the purpose of the work.

I have been interested in the act of speaking as theatrical behaviour. Or perhaps, I have been interested in the acts of making noise.

Its difficult to get jazzed about moving or dancing much, and I seem to have to almost force myself to do it. I'm feeling this produces a kind of effort- full effect. But I also am wondering if effort is a value that other people can recognise, and therefore objectify as dancing. Left to my own devices, I might roll about on the floor for too long. Or make softer movements, that would read differently. This question of effort as regards dance, is ongoing for me, and I think I might be less and less likely to produce entertaining movement behaviors, in the contemporary dance lexicon. I can't remember why to move. Or that my tastes for movement have become perversely odd.

It's been very possible to do things in rehearsal, I feel as if I could do things all day long. And that my own interests are more and more about doing things as an end in itself. It's the making of things that becomes a bit bemusing.

I would like to just be able to do things, as the purpose and result.
But maybe just doing things, is not quantifiable enough for making theatre?

There is a question forming for me, about what the organising principle(s) are. The Modus operindi. How behavior is produced or appropriated. Where does desire, appetite, or need reside? Or are these qualities necessary or appropriate?

Maybe some of all this, is about being a 51 year old performer. And as such, will find a place in the fabric this new work?

Aurora in Poland, waiting.

2009-07-12T14:37:00.005+01:00

My skin is stretching

I can’t find the right position

I feel her moving

I want you to understand

I want to remove myself from my body

I need the dress

I need the light

She is still

I expose my body

The blood is taken,

I’m being touched, pushed, torn, looked inside

The light is on

I don’t need it

She does not need it.

Aurora- More reflections on May rehearsals

2009-07-12T14:35:00.003+01:00

Split between what I want to do, what I am asked to do and what I am able to do

Knowing my limits how can I still go on.

Drawing, erasing.

Moving, forgetting.

Talking, bad accent.

Loving and questioning the set, the aesthetic, the fragmentation,

Looking for inspiration, lines, books, pictures, poeple

Piles of used and clean white paper

It’s not enough

Can I feel it like I used to?

Can I be emotional and dramatic?

It’s not always about what you feel, Aurora.

How you feel things it’s not always the best way forward is it?

Sometimes you have to stick to the script haven’t you?

What script?

I need more direction.

What do you want to say?

What language to use?

A manifesto, a list, a dance.

More and no more

45 minutes

We will see later.

Aurora's Reflections on May rehearsals

2009-07-12T14:33:00.001+01:00

First week

I arrive

I have energy

I climb the hill

I feel excited

I move quite a lot

We talk

It’s great to work face to face with Charlotte

Second week

I feel less capable

I am more tired

I climb the hill slowly

I have to lie dawn

I meet Gail and improvise with her

I spend good time with Alex and Harold

Third week

I lie down

I read more books

I work

My head is getting bigger and more confused

I climb the hill step by step

I shout a lot

Charlotte too

Last day

I am pleased with the work and the process

Good hearing feedback from Jane, Katie, Ruth and Charlotte

We have some material “ to cut from” later

I climb the hill to get back

I fly home

Patrycja's Thoughts 7 July 2009

2009-07-07T15:06:00.000+01:00

Chronologic life line, drawn badly on the gigantic black board.

Quickly choosing important...or not important, but memorable- sometimes for random

reasons - events of my life

Why would I want to share it with other people

Who would be interested?...voyeurism

teasing with/ magnifying/ diminishing certain snapshots from my childhood lesson of the day - seeing someone else's graphic interpretation of your life on the board can be overwhelming- too late to reframe, use different words, highlight (or HIDE) other-maybe more meaningful moments.....It's all printed, WHITE ON BLACK (no shades, no greyness allowed)

pictorial simplicity speaks for itself.

There 's no way back, deal with it it's like scares on the skin, you've earned them

wear them with pride.

Sunday Shifts

2009-07-05T22:15:00.003+01:00

PERSISTENCE WORKS in Sheffield.

An apt name.

An 11 hour day for Chris, Eike, Matt and Gris.

Only 7 hours for me.

3 hours for PK and Scott.

Not that I am counting.

We now have a home for the next three months.

It is one metre too small, width wise.

Not that I am counting.

We have a high wall that may be too high.

We have a soft floor that may be too soft.

But at least I can see the space clearly.

And here there is natural light and some air and a sink that doesn't stink.

Here we are surrounded by craftspeople - sculptors, silversmiths, painters - and I feel good about that.

Scott and PK

2009-07-05T22:05:00.004+01:00

No name checking.

A culture clash.

Disposability.

Ambivalence.

What do we carry forward and what do we leave behind?

Embodying the transitory nature of dance - the fleeting relationships, the fallings in love, the intensity of touring. Are we getting too old for all this?

Maybe we don't get attached to the material but to the experience.

Are all performers manic depressives?

Lets just go for broke here.

Is the fear of underachieving what drives us?

I am so tired I can hardly stand up.

I am on fire tonight.

I AM BURNING OUT.

I am melting in front of you.

The moments pass.

Why would I ask people to look at me?

Why would I do that?

Is this shitty?

Am I dying up here?

I cant remember much.

I need the video.

PK - 'Sometimes when you push it, push it, its just around the corner... Sothing is brewing under the surface we just need a tool to unpack it.'

SS - What about waiting?

What do you think would make this better?

PACK DOWN. We will build a new space on Sunday.

Patrycja and Scott 2 July 2009

2009-07-05T22:02:00.000+01:00

Oh it is good to have you back, PK.

Scott again

2009-07-05T21:48:00.002+01:00

A catalogue of anecdotes.

Forgetting the years.

Logging your life through a haze of memories and places.

Your body does not remember.

'I can't hardly dance anymore'.

You like to sing the blues.

Country Music.

Kansas.

Scott 1 July 2009

2009-07-05T21:46:00.003+01:00

Breakdown.

Listening.

Shut up and listen.

Why do you never speak?

I never know what you are thinking.

Shut up and listen.

Watching behaviours.

The work does not have to define the performer.

How to widen the appeal of the work - what are our universal themes?

Where is the edge and how fierce is it?

Week 4: Scott, 30th June 2009

2009-07-05T21:40:00.005+01:00

Dance is a bastard form of music.

Direct address.

What key is this in?

Is this romantic and abstract?

One thing following another rather than one thing leading to another.

Less drama more action.

Interlude. Practice. Punk Rock.

Pendulums.

I need to start at the beginning

Acts of translation.

Non linear editing process.

Architecture of the space.

Choreography is the space, the objects in it and the light - no dancing.

Chalkboard Wall

2009-06-16T17:24:00.004+01:00

16 June 2009

The floor area for IWGO is 10 x 8 metres. I meet set builder David Shakiran to discuss a freestanding chalkboard wall, as mocked up from old sets in Sheffield Independent Film for Aurora's rehearsals. We decide to design it so it can stand 4 metres high x 9 metres wide in middle scale venues, and shrink to 3 metres high x 8 metres wide in smaller venues. Good to be versatile on tour. I anticipate no entrances and exits form the wings - only from behind this wall. In smaller venues there will only be around 1 metre behind the chalkboard wall to the back wall of the theatre space. I hope everyone gets on - its going to be a bit of a squash back there.

15 June 2009

We are hiring Bare Bones Dance Company's truss to create a semi-soundproofed, softened studio space within a larger concrete studio space in Sheffield for the majority of the IWGO rehearsals. Persistence Works is a fine art and crafts studio complex just up the road from VDT's office at the Workstation in Sheffield's Cultural Quarter. We are currently planning for a get in there on 5th May, after one more brief week of devising with Scott Smith at Sheffield Independent Film studio. Chris Umney and Eike Schraeder are our Production Managers, Sound and Lighting Technicians for the tour. Chris was Production Manager for Double Vision, a duet with Liz Aggiss I made earlier this year - he is hugely experienced and is fantastic, calming presence on tour. Eike has been involved in Production Management at the Staatheater Wiesbaden in Germany for many years and has recently moved to Kent to set up Shraeder Umney Production and Design Company with Chris: www.schraeder-umney.com. Oh, and they are getting married in July.

11 June 2009

Today I met Jane Faram, VDT's new part-time Administrator, who will be involved in much of the scheduling and transport/ accommodation needs for the cast and crew involved with the IWGO tour. She also works part time at Site Gallery, Sheffield, who have commissioned VDT in the past, so thats a good link.

Aurora Working

2009-06-12T11:28:00.005+01:00

Week 3 - Consolidation

2009-06-12T11:12:00.006+01:00

18 - 22 May 2009

A series of microdances

Stolen material

Lost and Found

A nervous number

A sighing dance

Re- enactment

Footsteps and traces

Subtraction

Rant

Enigma Text

Lights on and off

When you're ready

Contortion

Being Marlena - I need a light

Being Pina - I need a dress

Being Yoko Ono - Hide until everyone leaves you.

No more dancing

No to putting my word's into other people's mouths

Manifestos and Protocols for middle age

Trying things on for size

Friday sharing with Ruth as Dramaturg - a reassuring presence

A flight home to Poland

A sigh of relief

A get out

If we go on and on and on and on and on.....

Week 2 - Aurora and Alex

2009-06-12T10:57:00.007+01:00

14 May 2009
Alex was formally offered the work of Composer/ Cellist for IWGO.

Whilst he was over from Costa Rica, he and Aurora played with recreating George Kuchar's I, AN ACTRESS (1977) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOXpDCkOiCo

A terrible idea, really, but well worth a go just for comic value. A relief to have another person in the studio. Making solo work is a very intense process for performer and director. We also developed a manifesto for IWGO - the things we are no longer prepared to tolerate in performance.

Much discussion around invisible scores, how to reveal the mechanics of what we are doing on stage as we are doing it, how to structure 8 distinct journeys through the piece in to a coherent whole so it doesn't just become a variety show, direct address as a form, how to piece together the collective urge to continue. Central question: what is it that I am trying to say in this work?

Week 2 - Cellist Workshop

2009-06-12T10:53:00.003+01:00

Thanks to everyone who took part in the Cellist Workshop 13th May 2009

Design Mock Up / Aurora Chair Solo

2009-06-12T10:32:00.004+01:00

If We Go On, Devising Week 1

2009-06-12T10:15:00.003+01:00

4th May 2009
Aurora Lubos arrives from Poland to start work on If We Go On, 7 and a half months pregnant and ready to get stuck in.
We are working in Sheffield Independent Film. It rains a lot. I cycle to work. We talk a lot. We play with Wendy Houstoun's text. It's a new way of working but as Aurora cant move a whole lot, its useful to have a different stimulus. I get very heady, intellectual and structural. My partner builds and together we rig 9 bare light bulbs hanging over the space in a 3x3 grid. I think this, a few chairs, some technical kit and a chalkboard back wall might be the 'design' of the piece. NO TO SEDUCTION. NO TO FICTION. NO TO DRESSING THINGS UP. I arrange things so that all the sound and lighting is all operated from the stage. We play with drawing scoring and writing on the chalk wall at the back of the space - its too familiar an aesthetic, but the wall looks beautifully textural when the drawing has been rubbed out. Aurora needs to lie down at lunch times and rest her growing belly.