Scott's Reflections, Week 3, 13-17 July

Valentina arrived at our rehearsal process this week, so with PK, there are two other humans in the space with me. One thing that might have been slightly problematic for me so far, is that I dont have so much interest (desire) in soloing. This has been coming on the last few years for me. The clear desire to dance/perform/make sound/behave, in relationship to other people. At the very least, I seem to need objects or architecture. Otherwise, it can be difficult to find a reason or motivation for me to move. Why disturb the universe?

I crave paraphernalia.

This week has been concerned with making lists of would be materials, and trying them on in creative ways. There are some repetitions, and there are some turnings off into new prospects. As we are making hour long sessions often, it all gets mixed up in a gumbo of rehearsals and repetitions. One needs to stay alert as to what kind of signals are coming from fellow performers, in that they might be wanting to practice a specific material or scene, and need another person to perform their part, in that scene. Lots of materials generated, though as ever, how to organise them? There is also this very abstract notion (for me), of imagining how any given bit, will exist in relation to all the bits that will be made over the course of the summer, as Charlotte keeps up this process with a new performer arriving every three weeks to Begin their own process. Then in September, we all (cast) gather back in Sheffield to assemble the work. One can only imagine some things...

Its been interesting to observe Valentina as she has been inserted into an ongoing process, and has to develop coping strategies on the fly a bit. Or in other words, Charlotte and PK and I, have been accumulating and storing a bank or list of images and words and sounds and such, that we can refer to for use. I wonder if Valentina will go through any similar process when Henry arrives late in her three week period.

Lots of potential material has been discarded for the time being. Or perhaps material has been re-contextualised. In some cases, maybe its a less overt/obvious approach to material, and these bits have been allowed to simmer under the surface more, but still contribute to the gestalt. (Or something...)

Charlotte keeps mentioning, that I might be a disruptive figure the piece. Or that a persons (solo) might be in several short instalments over the course of the evening. As such, in the works we have been practicing this week, there might be several entrances and exits over the course of an hour or so.

We have been working with the set more this week, and the architecture of the space. Moving objects (chairs, mic stands, lights, bodies, texts etc) about the space.It can look afterwards, as if there has been a bit of a storm or disruption in the stage space. at times, I have felt disruptive myself, and have had images of breaking lights, or asking difficult questions (rhetorical?) and such. I have managed to break a few broom sticks whilst using them for pointers on the black board. This has me feeling like some deranged CEO or professor.

Ruth (dramaturg) came in to watch and feed back this week. I think she thought it was all a bit dark maybe. I believe I heard Charlotte say that this was not unusual for this period of a making process, and that perhaps, it might lighten up later. All I can do so far, is follow my nose.

Scott's Reflections, Week 2, 6-10 July

I feel like the second week of my rehearsal period was concerned with putting into form, many of the materials we had been researching the first week. As ever, there seemed to be a riddle about how to get back into the content of the research work, and put this into repeatable forms. I often feel that getting swept up in the vibe of action/behavior, is the more interesting aspect of the product, and that the shapes of the behaviors/actions, are sort of by products or consequences of something more primary (or interesting to me anyway). I understand that this can be slippery for the purposes of choreography or repetition. ( Repetition, the French word for rehearsal).In my experiance, some things change, and some stay the same. What does one address, if not shape and duration or other quantifiable properties? Tempo, tone, etc.. Is the foot pointed or flexed? Or relaxed... New dance in my experience, often has no set syllabus, and needs its materials identified as such, in order to find a beginning point or palette from which to work.

We have been trying on several versions of text, some of which are amalgams of as many as four writers contributions by now. I am sensing a need to start back at a beginning concerning text and language. Or another doorway or approach anyway. I am thinking more and more, that the texts might not need to relate to me personally, but would reflect larger or more general concerns, Or at the least, multiple concerns or thoughts of the multiple writers. Cut ups (by way of Burroughs) have come to mind.

One thing that seems consistent for me, are the acts of accompaniment for action, with sound. This seems to give me something tangible to focus on or practice. Making sound as other people act. It seems less abstract to me than movement propositions. Dancing as such, is feeling very abstract and removed from an actual environment. On that note, its been very helpful for me to have PK in the rehearsal space this week, as there is someone else to respond to, or perceive in the space with me. As an added bonus, PK has brought a ukulele with her. Stringed instruments are right up there with puppy's at the top of a list of good things for me to involve with. Now, if someone would only show up with a puppy or two, I would be all set...

Wendy came for a day, and shook up the approach to text by suggesting we only speak the vowel sounds of the words and such. It was good to have the language ruptured, I felt.

Talks with Wendy 18 July

Talk of new RANT AND MANIFESTO texts, that can act as aspirations for continuing rather than moaning or describing what we are no longer prepared to do. Talk of a 'LOSING MY DIGNITY’ text. Talk of a 'PROMPTING' text. Talk of a 'NEUROSIS' text. Talk of 'Do we become redundant as we get older' and is that a different question for women? Talk of aging and failing physicality. How could you stage killing someone off? After a long discussion, thoughts that may help Wendy to write some new stuff for IWGO -

• Do we find ourselves where we want to be? Are we constantly adjusting ourselves to make the right impression/ fit in / become acceptable/ be part of a group / find a common language
• Perhaps the show becomes an attempt to articulate a manifesto for how to continue....
• Trying stuff out. Things standing in for things
• People co-existing in their differences of style and approach within one show
• Trying to avoid being so inward looking, but circularity is useful in the presentaion of things
• Functionality of performance – seeing performers cope with things being the driver for action
• Things seen and then reseen in different contexts with different stuff taking place at the same time – affords us to use texts more than once or vary/fragment them in order to reuse and recycle them
• Playing with the idea that performers notice that they have dug themselves into a hole on stage and the language around that
• acknowledging that narrative and emotion are inevitable in the work
• Texts that supply instructions for looking are useful

Losing Track, 13 - 17 July

Valentina arrives, recovering from possible Italian strain of Swine Flu. She had weak legs, but she lightens up the room. Harry joins us, teaches Yoga, gets involved in a long improvisation. I think he enjoyed being with experienced performers for the day...Great to see him move again.

As a way to open things up a bit, we've done several long improvisations which seem to suggest a potential, shambolic way forward for 'housing' of the fragments of material we are creating. The blackboard acting as a set of instructions, duly wiped off as the performers fulfil the tasks they set themselves at the top of the improv. It makes the performance functional. The volume of tasks is a bit overwhelming for Scott, who prefers to work on one thing at a time, but at least the more improvisational nature of this way of working offers him freedom to make choices, that when we are trying to 'set' things doesnt feel right. Lots of discussion around practice and repetition and forgetting and the need to follow a kind of score- however broad as a way to get through stuff and generate new stuff.

I spend much time pondering on how I will have to keep adapting my way of working to suit each individual performer - this is dangerous ground for me - I have to be careful not to get too sidetracked with the enquiry into that, to the detriment of creating useable material for a show that has to actually exist at some point in the near future. Lots of discussion around free will and volition - what one naturally wants to do and what one doesn't really have an appetite for. Os directing dictatorship? So much of that negotiation comes down to the roles we play in a room and so much is down to taste. My worst fear is to make boring work where nothing much happens. How to embody the work we create together?

On Friday we run some stuff for Dramaturg Ruth and it feels pretty weak, nihilistic and difficult. No hope. Very dark and unformed. Not enough light - real or otherwise. Is this shit?

Sunday Again

And the weeks fly by and I am not sure where any of this is going.

Neurosis sets in and this time it is crippling.

The days have felt heavy with circular thought this week.

I never seem to have enough time to think straight.

Yes, that gets harder as you get older.

I feel troubled that I am not working in a way that is honest to me as an artist or as a woman.

I feel paper thin. Over-exposed.

What are the things that have always defined my work? What is my 'signature'? Why this need to work so counter-intuitively now? Am I setting myself up to fail or am I paving the way to a different creative future? What am I trying to prove - that I can be as conceptually interesting as Jerome Bell, as smart and clean as Jonathan Burrows? Who do I think I am? My tendency leans towards the over-earnest, but with editing, distillation and a strong sense of self- depricating humour, I usually pull it off. I still want to affect people and the only thing that is 'affecting' me so far is Aurora's solo (built around her swelling belly and my medical imaginings) and Scott's forgetfulness - explored through a breakdown of language and a fragmented solo dance.

Keeping everything at arms length just doesn't work for me. Its too cool, too masculine perhaps? Wearing my heart on your sleeve is all I know how to do. I am a woman after all. My currency is emotion. My material and content is my emotional life. Some people think emotion is old fashioned, but is this a tyranny against what is female?

DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

If If We Go On is 'about' anything it is about exhaustion, about making sense of the choices we make in life. Circular, age-old dilemmas about working women, about trying to match a working life with a home life. About remaining childless?About having it all and failing to have it all. About having a home that isn't somewhere you just pass through in between hotel rooms.

I AM BORED OF MY OWN PROTOCOLS.

I AM SICK OF WANTING TO BE FIRST AND BEST AND HEARD ABOVE THE REST

I WANT TO BE QUIET NOW, TO ADJUST TO THE REGRET I FEEL ABOUT NOT TAKING THE TIME TO PRIORITISE OTHER THINGS

I CANNOT HAVE IT ALL

I NEED TO SATISFY SOMETHING IN ME OTHER THAN A CREATIVE DRIVE

MID LIFE CRISIS CASUALTY-

WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER?

I AM MELTING IN FRONT OF YOU

THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS - it is not good for my health

THE LAST CURTAIN CALL

THIS IS NO FICTION - THIS IS REAL, REALLY REAL

THIS IS MY (SELF OBSESSED) SWAN SONG

AND, LIKE THE CIRCUS PEOPLE, WE CARRY ON.

COME ON, DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

Scott after two weeks of rehearsals, 12 July 2009

I have put myself into the spaces provided by the design and director's suggestions, and proceeded to make improvisations. Was provided with texts, microphones, black boards and chalk among other things.

There seems to be some concern with ageing, or the ageing dancer/performer.

(what about it?)

Since I am an ageing dancer... Or since I am ageing, (who isn't). Or since I have aged. Perhaps, I am a likely candidate for this work.

We seem to have gone round a bit about the appropriate nature of a text. Do the words feel right (true?) for me etc. I have processed different opinions about this. At this point, I feel as if I might just work with whatever text is provided, rather than have an opinion about the content, as I perceive it. Like it would be a character or persona that I would occupy for the purpose of the work.

I have been interested in the act of speaking as theatrical behaviour. Or perhaps, I have been interested in the acts of making noise.

Its difficult to get jazzed about moving or dancing much, and I seem to have to almost force myself to do it. I'm feeling this produces a kind of effort- full effect. But I also am wondering if effort is a value that other people can recognise, and therefore objectify as dancing. Left to my own devices, I might roll about on the floor for too long. Or make softer movements, that would read differently. This question of effort as regards dance, is ongoing for me, and I think I might be less and less likely to produce entertaining movement behaviors, in the contemporary dance lexicon. I can't remember why to move. Or that my tastes for movement have become perversely odd.

It's been very possible to do things in rehearsal, I feel as if I could do things all day long. And that my own interests are more and more about doing things as an end in itself. It's the making of things that becomes a bit bemusing.

I would like to just be able to do things, as the purpose and result.
But maybe just doing things, is not quantifiable enough for making theatre?

There is a question forming for me, about what the organising principle(s) are. The Modus operindi. How behavior is produced or appropriated. Where does desire, appetite, or need reside? Or are these qualities necessary or appropriate?

Maybe some of all this, is about being a 51 year old performer. And as such, will find a place in the fabric this new work?

Aurora in Poland, waiting.

My skin is stretching

I can’t find the right position

I feel her moving

I want you to understand

I want to remove myself from my body

I need the dress

I need the light

She is still

I expose my body

The blood is taken,

I’m being touched, pushed, torn, looked inside

The light is on

I don’t need it

She does not need it.

Aurora- More reflections on May rehearsals

Split between what I want to do, what I am asked to do and what I am able to do

Knowing my limits how can I still go on.

Drawing, erasing.

Moving, forgetting.

Talking, bad accent.

Loving and questioning the set, the aesthetic, the fragmentation,

Looking for inspiration, lines, books, pictures, poeple

Piles of used and clean white paper

It’s not enough

Can I feel it like I used to?

Can I be emotional and dramatic?

It’s not always about what you feel, Aurora.

How you feel things it’s not always the best way forward is it?

Sometimes you have to stick to the script haven’t you?

What script?

I need more direction.

What do you want to say?

What language to use?

A manifesto, a list, a dance.

More and no more

45 minutes

We will see later.

Aurora's Reflections on May rehearsals

First week

I arrive

I have energy

I climb the hill

I feel excited

I move quite a lot

We talk

It’s great to work face to face with Charlotte

Second week

I feel less capable

I am more tired

I climb the hill slowly

I have to lie dawn

I meet Gail and improvise with her

I spend good time with Alex and Harold

Third week

I lie down

I read more books

I work

My head is getting bigger and more confused

I climb the hill step by step

I shout a lot

Charlotte too

Last day

I am pleased with the work and the process

Good hearing feedback from Jane, Katie, Ruth and Charlotte

We have some material “ to cut from” later

I climb the hill to get back

I fly home

Patrycja's Thoughts 7 July 2009

Chronologic life line, drawn badly on the gigantic black board.

Quickly choosing important...or not important, but memorable- sometimes for random

reasons - events of my life

Why would I want to share it with other people

Who would be interested?...voyeurism

teasing with/ magnifying/ diminishing certain snapshots from my childhood lesson of the day - seeing someone else's graphic interpretation of your life on the board can be overwhelming- too late to reframe, use different words, highlight (or HIDE) other-maybe more meaningful moments.....It's all printed, WHITE ON BLACK (no shades, no greyness allowed)

pictorial simplicity speaks for itself.

There 's no way back, deal with it it's like scares on the skin, you've earned them

wear them with pride.

Sunday Shifts

PERSISTENCE WORKS in Sheffield.

An apt name.

An 11 hour day for Chris, Eike, Matt and Gris.

Only 7 hours for me.

3 hours for PK and Scott.

Not that I am counting.

We now have a home for the next three months.

It is one metre too small, width wise.

Not that I am counting.

We have a high wall that may be too high.

We have a soft floor that may be too soft.

But at least I can see the space clearly.

And here there is natural light and some air and a sink that doesn't stink.

Here we are surrounded by craftspeople - sculptors, silversmiths, painters - and I feel good about that.

Scott and PK

No name checking.

A culture clash.

Disposability.

Ambivalence.

What do we carry forward and what do we leave behind?

Embodying the transitory nature of dance - the fleeting relationships, the fallings in love, the intensity of touring. Are we getting too old for all this?

Maybe we don't get attached to the material but to the experience.

Are all performers manic depressives?

Lets just go for broke here.

Is the fear of underachieving what drives us?

I am so tired I can hardly stand up.

I am on fire tonight.

I AM BURNING OUT.

I am melting in front of you.

The moments pass.

Why would I ask people to look at me?

Why would I do that?

Is this shitty?

Am I dying up here?

I cant remember much.

I need the video.

PK - 'Sometimes when you push it, push it, its just around the corner... Sothing is brewing under the surface we just need a tool to unpack it.'

SS - What about waiting?

What do you think would make this better?

PACK DOWN. We will build a new space on Sunday.

Patrycja and Scott 2 July 2009

Oh it is good to have you back, PK.

Scott again

A catalogue of anecdotes.

Forgetting the years.

Logging your life through a haze of memories and places.

Your body does not remember.

'I can't hardly dance anymore'.

You like to sing the blues.

Country Music.

Kansas.

Scott 1 July 2009

Breakdown.

Listening.

Shut up and listen.

Why do you never speak?

I never know what you are thinking.

Shut up and listen.

Watching behaviours.

The work does not have to define the performer.

How to widen the appeal of the work - what are our universal themes?

Where is the edge and how fierce is it?

Week 4: Scott, 30th June 2009

Dance is a bastard form of music.

Direct address.

What key is this in?

Is this romantic and abstract?

One thing following another rather than one thing leading to another.

Less drama more action.

Interlude. Practice. Punk Rock.

Pendulums.

I need to start at the beginning

Acts of translation.

Non linear editing process.

Architecture of the space.

Choreography is the space, the objects in it and the light - no dancing.